Day 4

4th Good Reason to be Sober


I’m behind on my days of Christmas posts. Forgive me.

Forgiveness


There’s all these things I did when I was drinking that I really regret. That I can take out and shake a stick at and make myself feel pretty bad about.

I had to forgive myself or go batshit crazy.

It hurts to carry around so much mad-ness in one body. I had to forgive myself so I could keep going. It’s a continuous process that I continue to do. I open my arms to my sweet self and stroke my hair, cradle my head in my hands, and say it’s ok. I do it with the love I would give a stranger because I know it’s so hard for me to be nice to myself, but since I am still sometimes a stranger to me I can let her be forgiven.

I am trying to forgive other people. Most I can, or find my own blame and forgiveness and move on. One person was really awful to me last year and I can’t all the way shake it. It escalated my drinking to a critical point, it brought me to the crest of my drinking hill. That situation helped make me decide: fly or crash. So I’m ultimately very grateful, and still hurt. Holding on to old hurts only keeps them around, so I’m trying to forgive, but dang. I might need more time on that one. So I forgive myself for that.

Forgiveness is a part of sobriety that never ends. It gives me the opportunity to be charitable with myself, and also to let go of my need to be right and perfect all the time. It lets people around me know that they can be human and I will be too.