I have been so wiped out by my self lately. It’s all ho hum, and meh, and blah around here. I was having a conversation with someone today about how why life just keeps on dishing it out when it’s totally clear that right now you just cannot take it? How can I call “Uncle” or put up a “T” for time out and then I get a break from my head and my heart and I just be while laying out in the grass watching the clouds roll by?
I get so bogged down by things I’m not doing, or the things that aren’t going right that I completely forget about the good stuff. And then I’m impatient with myself for feeling that way, and then I need an all day run to straighten myself out- or to at least slog out of the bog and maybe into the tall grass.
There’s this thing I do. It’s called: TOO MUCH. I am very good at too much. Perhaps a pro even. I eat too much cookies. Too much wallowing. Too much negativity? I’ve got it. I’m a gold medalist in too much self criticism. Numero uno at wanting to hide and hibernate, and also great at too much blaming other people when I’m not feeling good with myself. Too much afraid of life, of always being in this position I’m in and never getting on with it.
This part of early sobriety is not fun at all. It’s not too much fun, it’s the opposite of that. So I don’t have the market cornered as far as the too much there.
So I guess I’m running up the boggy hill, bogging it up. I’m still going, but not very happy about it. I want my clouds back- pink or whatever. I liked that better. I feel better for a bit and then back to *sigh*.
And then I read about people dying in Boston and I feel like an asshole. So I guess what to do is this: keep slogging, keep bogging. And most important keep blogging. And really most important: remember to be grateful even when you feel like a grumpy black cloud. Because I’m sober and alive, and I can never get too much of that.