Early sobriety

Last night I listened to my first Bubble Hour podcast. I liked it. It made me think different thinks. It made me think about being lost with no map in sight. It made me wish for flashlights and compasses for everyone. It made me want the way to sobriety to be as easy as one two three Google Maps. It made me want to be a guide, with senior helpers.  It made me think about Hansel, and Gretel.

My path to sobriety was littered with breadcrumbs every day. Not a day went by that my inner mama/guide didn’t drop crumbs on my way. Hints, suggestions- sometimes loaves of them. Most days I would just keep trudging along, ignoring the crumbs and searching the forest for other things instead. (Look! A forest! But I can’t find the trees…) I couldn’t be bothered with simple breadcrumbs- I had bigger messages to get, and they were all at the bottom of my wineglass.

And every day those little bits were there. Every day I knew what I needed to do. I needed to follow those crumbs, which were parts of my heart. Every day that I drank I tore off another piece of my heart and left it lying there on the path for me to see the next day. Every day I tried to save myself. Every day I looked away.

I don’t know what made me look the day I did. I tripped over a heart loaf and fell. Hard. And while I was down there, lying on the path, I saw all these bits of me waiting to be put back together. I got hungry. I was tired of the sea of trees. I could not go a step further until I looked down at the path to see where the heck I was going.

So I looked. I started picking up those crumbs and going the way my heart and soul wanted to go.

It’s never enough for someone to say “Sobriety is so much better” and “You’ll be so much happier” or even “Follow the breadcrumbs”. You have to do it yourself. You have to trust the signs you leave out for yourself in the night, in the dark, in the hope of your heart. The way to get your inner compass to stop spinning is to take the clues you’re given. You follow and trust and hold virtual hands with other people who are trying to stop spinning too. People who come back for you even though it’s raining and dark and you wandered away again. You believe you can do it until you are look ma no hands! doing it. You are Hansel and Gretel. And you are doing it.