I was out for my walk a few minutes ago and I remembered a blog I posted with a picture of a girl sitting in a box and how I’ve been feeling very in my small box lately (and by lately I mean all winter). So I looked it up and I was amazed that I wrote it two years ago almost to the exact day.

Am I really on a big hamster wheel here or what?

I picked up my journal last night to jot some thoughts down for the first time since the end of January. To be honest my journal and I have always had very whiny and inconsistent relationship. Both are totally my fault. I noticed that the last thing I wrote about was the thing I was about to write about again- weeks later! Then I bet myself that if I read back it would all be the same thing: me bitching because I was eating too many sweets, or not doing enough yoga, or going for walks or runs, and I’m not happy because I’m not writing enough, and also when will my pants fit right again.

Jesus H on a biscuit. I am the hamster wheel.

It was the same journal when I was drinking: why can’t I quit, what will I do, making paper floor plans for when I finally quit that always fell through. Oh my god. How boring can I be? No wonder I need all these distractions now that I’m sober- I can’t even stand to hear myself think all these same old tired thinks. I’m like a worn out circus act: same shit, different day. Gah!

If you didn’t read it my old post was about getting out of the same old box. Not really getting out of it, but building on to it. I was all spring inspired then just like I am now, but what a jolt to the system to know that I’ve been trying to do these new same old things for another two years!

I have changed so much, but maybe not as much as I thought….

I’m not sure about you, but I seem to stay frustratingly the same at some things: mostly not doing things that make my life cozy and good. More like knowing what feels good and then heading in the opposite direction. I’m not sure if it will make sense but I feel like I’m on the verge of figuring something out here. I have this head full of “rules” that make my life work, but I keep avoiding them almost out of spite. I wonder sometimes if I stagnate some because I have been isolating myself- not blogging much, no recovery friends, not reading my favorite blogs or finding new ones.

Is it staying safe?

Is it fear?

The hamster wheel is pretty safe. It just goes around and around with the same old scenery, the same old groundhog day days. Plod plod spin spin. I wonder how many days I can run amok before the siren song of the wheel calls me back again? Or if I ignore that voice and just keep happily heading up the hill enjoying the scenery dropping old luggage like flies? What if I just stop checking Facebook all the time? Or I promise to write and yoga and walk and keep it? Huh. What if I do?

Well. What if I do.