My youngest started kindergarten today. It kind seems like an end to a ten year cycle: baby, little, bigger, another baby, little, big kid, little kid- both in school. Whoa. I just ate lunch alone. And in a way I wanted to be sad about it, and then in a way I felt grown up. Able to chew. Able to be quiet. Take my time. Read at the table. (Shhhh. Don’t tell.)
This means I have free time.
To like, blog and stuff. 🙂
And stuff! I swear, whenever I put stuff out into the universe and say “OK, universe. I’m ready for this. Really ready. Suggest some things.” the universe goes, “Well, right on! Here you go!”
Over and over again it amazes me that one of my biggest side effects of being sober is being brave! So when the universe says “Here’s this?” I can say things like “Oh, that’s possible” and “Wow, I never thought of that before- but I could totally do that”. Not what I used to say which was “I don’t have time for that” or “I can’t”. It also means I can change my mind about things if I want to and not have to feel scared or guilty about it. It means I can choose, and then re-choose if I want. For you that might be easy, but for me that takes some serious guts- all of it.
I was looking at a picture of some mountains and it occurred to me: there are always mountains to climb. Always. And that’s OK. That I love mountains. I love that they rise and fall and come in ranges so that once you get to the top there’s a whole ‘nother side to hike down, and then another one to walk up. That they all have a view from the top. And not just one view, but so many views you can’t even count them all, and to see a new one you just have to change your perspective or turn things around.
I have finally also come to the understanding that even though my most wished wish came true (I’m sober) my life can still be hard as shit sometimes, and it can also be unbelievably amazing. That both of these things can be big and small. That I’m good at hiking. That I can handle the hills. Even when they are mountains. That I can let myself enjoy the view from the top.
I was talking with my naturopath today. We are winding up a fourteen week session of visits and although my progress has been slowish there has been progress- a lot of it. I said to her today “The person sitting here today and the person I was at this time two years ago are totally different. And even when things are hard I am still so grateful for the person I am today.” I don’t waste my time wishing away the woman that I am- I strive to become more her. And by strive I mean live.
When I was drinking you can bet that there was never a day I loved myself more because I had gotten drunk again. But these days? These days. These days I am brave and possible. These days I am a hiker. These days I see mountains and I hope they are in ranges because it is all so interesting and pretty and hard and lovely. These days I’m getting a lot better at doing and doing a lot less wishing.