So much has been happening that I really don’t even want to write about it because it exhausts me just thinking about it.
Our oldest dog, Jelly, has a torn ACL. By oldest I mean six, and by torn ACL I mean couple few thousands of dollars surgery. We thought he was losing weight because we switched his food, and it’s spring, and then suddenly he was very skinny and really limping and then couldn’t even get up to go outside. It was like it was in slow motion, only in really fast motion and we weren’t really looking the whole time.
So the vet says this doesn’t really heal in big dogs without surgery. And that he will be in pain. Which means we would have to put him to sleep because something I don’t believe in is keeping a beloved member of our family alive if he is just going to suffer each and every day.
But then I Googled it and found success stories and feel so much more hopeful- except for the fact that the pain meds give him this awful diarrhea and every morning we wake up to a house reeking of gnarly dog poop on the one carpet again. (except for this morning because we gated him in the study with no carpet thank god since there was barf and poop everywhere) And the vet says he could be fine on pain meds and heal some and maybe heal all and the other one will probably tear, but OK. We’ll deal with that one then. Plus I’ll know to keep him out of the room with the rug.
I wanted to guzzle a gallon jug of wine last Wednesday. I wanted to pass out drunk on my back lawn. I wanted to be so hungover the next day that all I would be able to do would think about how awful my hangover was and avoid dealing with maybe having to kill our dog.
Then Saturday I had what I thought was a small misunderstanding with my parents and we haven’t spoken since.
It hurts me so much when I try to figure out what makes them the way they are. And then I want to smack myself upside the head: Stop! Never, ever try to figure out someone else. My self is hard enough, and I have all the Cliff’s Notes.
This fight is not mine to fix, so I will wait until they are ready to talk. It isn’t about being right, it’s about having boundaries and ways I have to be treated. It’s about respecting me, and my husband, and my children. It’s about how I cannot be the one who says Oh, I know you might be sorry and I want things to be OK so I will just call and smooth it over. I don’t want to argue, but I also don’t want to offer up understanding when I don’t have any around anywhere to give.
Then two people died at a race I was supposed to run Sunday. I ran over a wooden block and broke something on one of our cars. And just when we start to have comfortable money all these $300 things start happening and I want to scream.
Life has totally sucked. But here’s the thing: and dammit, I hate it, but it’s true: when things suck the most it’s because they are about to get better. I swear the worse things are the better it actually gets, but right now I am having a hard time remembering that. It’s in all this awfulness that I figure things out. It’s when I have to feel uncomfortable and sad and sob and want to fix it but can’t that I learn more about who I really am. What I really want from my one life.
What I want is to try to heal Jelly as best we can with the resources we have. So I will clean up poop and barf and sit quietly with him in the yard. I will heat up bowls of bland chicken and rice and egg so he will eat and put on some weight. I will watch him closely to see if it gets to be too much and be brave enough to let him go if that’s what’s best.
What I want is to not feel like an always wrong dirtbag teenager with my parents. So I will be the loving grown up woman that I am. I will believe the part of my self that tells me what I can and cannot talk about with them. I will listen when my self says I’m OK, and that I am to be trusted. That just because someone else believes something doesn’t mean that has to be true for me. I will stand up for what I believe in, and be willing to keep living my way because that’s the way that works best for me.
I need some peace y’all. Send some. I am praying hard and reaching out to people around me, and I am reaching out to y’all too. I will get through, and I will be sober. But right now I need reinforcements big time, so include me in your prayers/universe musings/help out lists.
I am grateful for that.