I have been reading this book and it has been rocking my world- in good and bad ways which are really all good ways. Sometimes it hits way too close to home and I wish I was in the middle of another book too so I could give myself a break. But then I am so intrigued by what it makes me think I just go on back to it.
Because I haven’t gone to AA I haven’t done any step work. I know there are steps, and that there are twelve, and that surrendering is a big huge part of the AA message that I really really like. I believe to this day that the reason I stay sober is that I surrender to my alcoholism and by surrender I mean own it. When I stopped making excuses for myself lo and behold! I was able to quit drinking because I wasn’t lying to myself anymore. I need this about sweets too, and people pleasing, and also being a tiny bit bad at asking for help. But, as they say, one step at a time.
The part I am really really loving is the higher power part. Which really surprises me since I have never ever been religious, but then it really isn’t all about “religion” but more like faith and prayer without an official title or a building or even a name. I puzzle over it all the time. “Hello!” I say. “Hello !” I say. “What the hell do I call this person/thing I pray to?” I think to myself. Today I described her as a serene mother nature-y person with long gray hair with flowers leaves and twigs woven into it wearing a dress made from moss, some tights and some clogs when it’s cold. She smiles benevolently at me with all the patience in the world.
So instead of being afraid of the higher power part I am totally embracing it. Some because of that description above and then mostly because in A Woman’s Way Through the Twelve Steps Stephanie Covington says our higher power accepts us just as we are. That our higher power expects us to be kind of broken and fucked up, BUT it isn’t there to fix us but to support us. That it is a shared energy. That it is an eternal safe place inside and outside of all of us. That my higher power and I are a team.
And so then, if I surrender to being part of this lovely team who tells me the truth and tucks my hair behind my ear softly and will love me as big as I will let it, then I can be more self full. More solid. More not me against the world. That makes me feel so safe. It makes it easier to not drink. It makes it easier not to eat seven cookies, or say yes when I mean no. It means that I can think “help” and not “read my mind”.
There’s a song by the Dixie Chicks called “Godspeed”that I love. My dad made a video of clips of my oldest when he was around two and put this song as the music. I cry every every time, but especially at the part where she sings “God hears amen wherever we are and I love you”. My heart breaks open a little bit and I just know. I know that my higher power hears me wherever I am. That I can have my own version, that I have faith. Not in a name, or a religion, but in me. That I hear my amens wherever I am.