My youngest has the sweetest crush on a girl in his class. She is his seat mate, they talk all the time: “Even more than me and you mom!” One day after school we waited for her mom to show up so we could ask her to come over to our house. I introduced myself and said to my son’s friend, “Would you like to come over to our house one day to play?” She said, “No thank you, I’m fine,” and my son pulled in his lips and made the please don’t let me cry face and I kind of laughed politely and said, “Oh, okay, um see you later. Nice to meet you.” We walked the long walk to the car and when we got in he tried to smile but cried instead. I tried to make it better by saying things like be patient and maybe today just wasn’t a good day to ask but he kind of got himself together with a ragged sigh and proceeded to act like it didn’t matter.

This has been my relationship with myself. I send out these fancy love letters to myself and then when it seems like time to become home friends and not just at school friends I clam up and refuse politely, and I also forget to feel how heartbroken I am and I breathe a lot and pretend like I’m just fine anyway, thanks. Mixed signals all over the place.

Is it embarrassing and a little self indulgent to admit that I love myself? Does that make me one of those people that persistently posts selfies and quotes about how they just keep going no matter what because even in the darkest day there might be a slice of light? When did it become wrong to love yourself? Does school beat it out of you? Your peers? Just life? Can it just be okay and acceptable and not make me arrogant or full of myself if I am okay with saying I’m okay?

I’m reading THIS BOOK and although I get tired of all the rah rah rah I love reading about giving myself permission to be cool with myself. Gratitude to HIP SOBRIETY for publishing her book list, I hadn’t seen You are a Badass before and I really am almost to the liking the idea of thinking of myself as a badass cool lovely woman point. What have I got to lose? I mean I hated myself for years, so I’m giving love a chance. It’s all part of the MERGE. 🙂